So heres a test of your wits, and humor, how funny can you be...share a few jokes, ignite a spark on those frowns, get those wrinkles near the lips, flex those muscles on the cheeks.......brighten up some ones day....Inviting all jokers ... share what ya got!! 

Teacher: why are you late?
Student: My dad told me to take our cow to bull.
Teacher(Angrily): Can't your dad to it?
Student: No, only BULL can do it.....

Boy: Mom ,last night when I opened the toilet door , the light went on itself.

Mother: Idiot , you again peed in the refrigerator ....Again ... ! :D

Have ya's heard about that man who worked in the brewery ,he fell into a barrel of beer and drowned,,the police are treatin it as suspicious cos he got out 3 times for a piss

boy:hi am rich

girl:o hello how r u ..do you wanna go out tonight with me

boy: u forgot me my name is rich

girl:oh sorry i dont like talking with boys

LOLZZZZZZZ

What is an ATTITUDE??

3 ants saw an elephant coming

1st ant - v'll kill Him.
...
2nd ant - v'll break his leg.

3rd ant - leave him dude
He is Alone n v r 3 !!

I asked a "blond" girl her why her login password was SneezySleepyDopeyDocHappyBashfulGrumpy ?...she said because the application said it needed to be seven characters .

An old woman is in a lift in a posh department store, when two young arrogant women get in wearing very expensive scent. "Romance by Ralph Lauren €100 a bottle," says one. "Channel no 5 €150 a bottle," says the other. As the old woman leaves the lift, she farts and says, "Brussel Sprouts 25c a pound...!

A woman threw her hubby in a pond of Crocodiles...

She's now being harassed by the Animal Rights Activists for being cruel to the Crocodiles!

Two guys walk into a bar.  You would have thought at least one of them would have seen it.

*True ESL Teaching Story

Teacher:  Today we are going to make a special dish. 
My dish has noodles, sauce, onions, and pepper.
I call my dish "Alex Noodles"

*Student raises hand

Teacher: Yes, Dick (his name).

Student:  Teacher!  I make dish.  Bread, and meat.  My dish is called "Dick Burger"!

Teacher: hmm? ...You might want to rethink your dish's name...Dick.

Back in America, in my little village of Mantua, this guy was pumping some gas into his car.  He accidently splashed some gas onto his arm without realizing it.  He then went to lit a cigarette and he lit his arm on fire.  He began to flail his arm trying to get the fireout but to no avail.  Two passing cops say the situation and they got out and put out the fire. 

The guy was then arrested for carrying an illegal firearm.

Whats red and invisible?

NO TOMATOES!

Really shy guy.... thinks of a way to let the girl he likes know he likes her without choking like he always does when trying to speak to her.

He takes her into a dark ally, drops his pants and puts his thing in her palm...

She immediatly says "No thanks, I dont smoke"

I though I would try the same thing one day.... being shy and all....

I did what I had to and she immediatly said 

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? PUT YOUR LEG DOWN!"

That doesn't sound like what a shy guy would do...

True story.... friend of mine was an IELTS examiner... did an oral IELTS exam for a student from shenyang. He asked about the students hometown, the student replied:

My hometown is shenyang, it is the capital city of liaoning in north east China, If you think of China, it looks like a big cock, North east china is like the head of the cock and shenyang is the eye.........

hahaha, interesting stories guys, and this reminds me of how a student described a "car acident" as part of the English test...so he goes....

"One Car come, one car go, 2 car peng peng, one car die!" lolz

A Chinese woman with somewhat limited English Skills is visiting the U.S.A. and goes to the local bank to exchange Chinese Yuan for American Dollars.

The patient teller at the bank window tells the Chinese woman that it will cost her 7153 Chinese Yuan for $1000.00 U.S. Dollars.

The Chinese woman sits up in her chair and exclaims, rather loudly, "Last week only 6853 yuan for one sousand dollar, why this week more?"

The bank teller says, "Fluctuations"

The Chinese woman jumps out of her chair and says,

"Oh Yeah!?! F@#k you Americans too!!!"  ................and storms out of the bank...........

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a
bike and asked for forgiveness.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you
with experience.

Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you ca
n't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Back home, was on a ride with a couple, and was being entertained by the the  man and his wife  who were having some problems at home and were giving each Other the silent treatment.

10、Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be chan
ged regularly, and for the same reason.
政客和纸尿布有一个共同点就是：他们都很有规律地被替换，而且因为同一个理由——脏
了！！

11、War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
战争不能决出正义，但能判出哪方出局。

12、Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship
.
a. 女人的高潮可能是装出来的。但是男人TMD可以整段感情都是装出来的！

b. 女人假装高潮以获取真实的感情；男人假装感情以获取真实的高潮。

13、We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
我们永远不可能真正的成熟，我们只是学会在众人面前装逼。

14、Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erectio
n, make him a sandwich.
男人就两种状态：饿 和 性饥渴。 要是他不硬，就给他个三明治！

15、Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright unt
il you hear them speak.
光总是比声音跑的快点....这就是为嘛有些SB只有在开口说话之后你才发现他是在装B...


16、My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
我妈每次对着我骂草泥马的时候都没看出其中笑点。

17、I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
曾以为我想要的是职业，结果发现我只是想要工资。

18、If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payment
s.
你要是觉得没人在乎你的死活,那你不妨尝试一下跟你的债主玩躲猫猫~~

23、Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fr
uit salad.
直译：知识就是说你知道西红柿是一种水果；智慧就好似不要把它放进水果沙拉里。
意译a：知识就是告诉你说应该把鸡蛋放进篮子，智慧则是叫你不要把所有鸡蛋都放进一个
篮子。
意译b:所谓知识就是知道韩少和小四都属于80后，但智慧告诉你这终还是男女有别~

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN... (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, Pour it onto your upper thigh, and rip the hair out by the root...

And still be afraid of a spider...

The Computer's Gender
A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."

"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is impossible to understand for everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval;

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
 

The women's group concluded that computers should be masculine ("el computador"), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem;

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer you could have gotten a better model.

Wondering......The man who discovered milk, what was he trying to do with the cow! 

Subject: FW: Software Upgrade

INSTALLING A HUSBAND 

Dear Tech Support, 
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0 In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as AFL 5.0, The Ashes 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. 
What can I do? 
Signed, Desperate 


Dear Desperate: 
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. 
Please enter the command: "http: I Thought You Loved Me.HTML" 
and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. 
But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5,Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. 
Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta. 
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). 
Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. 
These are un supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. 
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7. 

Good Luck, 
Tech Support

One a day I'm gonna to Malta to big a hotel. In a morning I got down to eat a breakfast. I tell a waitress: "I wanna two pieces of toast."
She brings me only one piece.
I tell her: "I wanna two piece."
She says: "Go to the toilet."
I say: "You don't understand? I wanna two piece in my plate."
She says: "You better no piss in a plate, you son of a bitch!"
I don't even know the lady and she call me son of a bitch.

Later.
I go to eat to a bigger restaurant. The waitress brings me the spoon, the knife but no fork. I tell her: "I wanna the fork."
She tells me: "Everybody wanna fuck."
I tell her: "You don't understand? I wanna the fork at the table."
She says: "You better not fuck at the table you son of a bitch!"

So I go back to my room in a hotel and there is no sheets on the bed. Call the manager. I tell him: "I wanna sheet."
He tell me: "To go to the toilet."
I say: "You don't understand? I wanna sheet on a bed."
He says: "You better not shit on my bed you son of a bitch."
I go to the check out and the man at the desk said: "Peace on you!"
I said: "Piss on you too, you son of a bitch."
I'm gonna back to Italia, Arrivederci

hahaha, nice one G....lolzz

Embarrassing Revenge

A shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively. “Would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?“

To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, “No, I won‘t sleep with you tonight!“

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, “I‘m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I‘m a journalist and I‘ve got an assignment to study how people respond to embarrassing situations.“

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, “What do you mean two hundred dollars?!!!“

I woner if anyone has ever got "Happy Sexgiving" on a Thanksgiving Day from a Chinese friend. What a lovely wish. :)

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5.00 am for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5.00 am."
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9.00am, and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed ... it said... "It is 5.00am; wake up."

@ Mia, agree, infact we should have an official "World Sex Day" and it would only be appropriate to wish each other that then,lolzz :p))

@ G : Thats cool eh, I really love the silent treatment stories ...haha

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

Men Don't Write Advice Columns

Here's an example of why men SHOULD NOT write advice columns...

Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me. The other day I left for work, leaving my husband in the house watching TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a few hundred yards down the road when my engine conked out and the car slowed to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was parading in front of the wardrobe mirror dressed in my underwear and high-heel shoes, and he was wearing my make-up. I am 32, my husband is 34, and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to convince me that he had dressed in my lingerie because he couldn't find his own underwear. But when I asked him about the make-up, he broke down and admitted that he'd been wearing my clothes for six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He lost his job six months ago and says he has be en feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help?

Sincerely,

Sheila Lusk

*******

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of problems with the engine. Start by making sure there is no debris in the fuel line. If it's clear, check the clips holding the vacuum hoses onto the intake manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber. I hope this helps.

Walter

A cannibal son and his father are out looking for food. They are watching people walk down the street. The son suggested a particularly plump woman and the father rejected saying that she’s too fatty. Later on the son asked about a very skinny woman. Again the father refused saying that she’s to skinny. After a while the son pointed out a very attractive woman.” sure son” the father replied, drooling. “We ll take her home and eat you mother!”

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND...

10. Cats' facial expressions

9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors

8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds

7. Fat clothes

6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time

5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell

4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow

3. Eyelash curlers

2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made

1. OTHER WOMEN

A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this...

Looking for man with these qualifications:
- won't beat me up
- won't run away from
- is great in bed.

She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day.

The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."

So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?"

Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"

Rahul, you my friend are a jokster!  That last one made me laugh alot.

Ten Best things to say if you are caught sleeping at your desk: 

10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."

8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here just in time!"

7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."

6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice yoga?"

4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

3. "The coffee machine is broken..."

2. "Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot..."

And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk...

1. " .....Amen." 

What are the three words you don't want to hear while making love?

"Honey, I'm home!" 

   

Q: What is a gynaecolgist?

A: He is the only fool on the earth who looks for problems in a place, where most people find pleasure.

Hahahaha Rahul, you're killing me lol

What's the difference between a bachelor & a married man?

Bachelor comes home, see's what's in the fridge & goes to bed. 

Married man comes home, see's what's in the bed & goes to the fridge.

Three guys are at a restaurant, all with their girlfriends.

The first guy, thinking he is all suave, says to his girlfriend,
"Could you pass me the honey?...Honey." 

Now, the second guy, copying the first, says to his girlfriend,
"Could you pass me the sugar?....Sugar." 

So now, the third guy is under pressure.
He has to come up with something good. 

After, a minute of thinking he says to his girlfriend,
"Pass me the pork...pig."

Three drunks hailed a taxi. The taxi driver seeing that they were so wasted when they got in, he just switched on the engine and switched it off, and said we are here. The 1st guy gave him money, 2nd guy said thanks, but the 3rd guy slapped him. The taxi driver was stunned because he was hoping that none of them would have realized the car didn't move an inch. So what was that for, he asked. Control your speed next time, you almost killed us

A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan.
He asks, "What was that for?"
She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with 'Betty Sue' written on it."
He says, "Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? 'Betty Sue' was the name of the horse I went there to bet on." She shrugs and walks away. Three days later he's reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan.
He asks, "What was that for?"
She answers, "Your horse   called  ."

One day a lady saw a mouse running across her kitchen floor. She was very afraid of mouse, so she ran out of the house, got into a bus and went to the shops. There she bought a mousetrap. The shopkeeper said to her, "Put some cheese in it and you will soon catch that mouse."

The lady went home with her mousetrap, but when she looked in her cupboard , she could not find any cheese in it. She did not want to go back to the shop, because it was very late, so she cut a picture of some cheese out of a magazine and put that in the trap.

Surprisingly, the picture of the cheese was quite successful! When the lady came down to the kitchen the next morning she found a picture of a mouse in the trap beside the picture of the cheese!

A blonde calls her husband at work one day and asks him, "Can you help me when you get home?"
"Sure," he replies. "What's the problem?"
"Well, I started a really hard puzzle and I can't even find the edge pieces." 
"Look on the box," he said. "There's always a picture of what the puzzle is." 
"It's a big rooster," she said. 
The husband arrives home and tells his blonde wife, "Okay, put the corn flakes back in the box."

A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.

The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.

Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.

Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.

To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.

The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"

The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"

Behind every successful man, there is a woman. And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two. 

Every man should marry. After all, happiness is not the only thing in life. 

Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives. 

How are women and tornadoes alike?

They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.

Eve was sitting in a corner in the garden. “Lord, I have a problem."

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, as well as that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."

"And why is that Eve?"

"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create man for you."

"Man? What is that Lord?"

"A flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat and be vain; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs.

He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be as smart as you, so he will also need your advice to think properly."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with ironically raised eyebrows, "but what's the catch Lord?"

"Well, you can have him on one condition."

"And what's that Lord? "

"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring, so you'll have to let him believe that I made him first.

And it will have to be our little secret, you know, woman to woman."

 An arab at airport:
- Name?
- Abdul AlRazhib.
- Sex?
- Three to five times a week.
- No, no, I mean male or female.
- Yes, male, female, sometimes camel.
- Holy cow!
- Yes, cow, dog, even sheep.
- But isn’t that hostile?
- Horse style, doggy style, any style!
- Oh dear!
- No, no, deer run to fast!

hahahahaha, the last one was amazing LOL

A Man was Lying on the Beach for Sun Bathing,

Wearing Nothing but a Cap over his xxx.
An Ugly Woman Passed by and Remarked…
“If U were any sort of a Gentleman,
U would Lift Ur Hat to a Lady.”
He Replied,
“If U were any sort of A Lady, the Hat would have lifted by itself”.

Once a carrot fell in love with a cabbage.
After some months,finally they got married.
Next day his buddy Beet asked…
“How was ur Wedding Night?”
.
Carrot-”What wedding night! Whole night was spent in undressing her.”

Sometimes you should have a dog's attitude towards every difficult thing in life. If you can't eat or screw it, just piss on it and move on! :-D:-P

Teacher: why did you laugh?
Boy: I saw one strap of your bra.
Teacher: get out of the class for 1 week.
Two boys laughed, Teacher: why did you laugh:
boys: I saw both straps.
Teacher: get out for 1 month.
She bent down to take chalk, jony started walking out.
Teacher: jony, why you are going out?
Jony: what I just saw I think my school days are over.

A deep love story:

Once upon a time true lovers went for a long walk,
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
remaining story will be published when they return!!

A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. He decides to test it at dinner.

DAD: Son, where were you today during school hours?

SON: At school*Robot slaps Son*

SON: OK,I went to the movies.

DAD: Which one?

SON: Toy Story*Robot slaps son again*

SON: OK, it was Day with a Porn Star.

DAD: WHAT? When I was your age I didn't even know what porn was!*Robot slaps Dad*

MOM: HAHA! After all he's your son.*Robot slaps mom*

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife:
'There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
The wife smiled sweetly and replied, 'Not this time  darling " !

Teacher:
- I killed a person. Tell me this sentence in future tense.
Student:
- In future tense: You will go to jail !

WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position..
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied,  " my  relatives in-law  ..don't  you recognize  your own family ?"

  On Vatican Church notice board and Press Release:
"Be all Women informed that lying in bed, naked, entangled with somebody and screaming:
Oh my God!
Oh my God!
Oh my God!
will not be considered PRAYING."

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Tran substantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, Im married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but youre not really my type.
4. Taco Bell? No thanks, Im not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isnt it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldnt! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. Im not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I wont make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. Id hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

Men were born between the legs of a woman, yet men spend all their life and time trying to go back between the legs of a woman...
Why?
BECAUSE THERE IS NO PLACE LIKE HOME...

Teacher: Can you tell the name of 3 great kings who have brought happiness and peace in to peoples lives?

Student: Smo-king, Drin-king and Fuc-king.

A man and a woman who had never met before found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train. They tried to make other arrangements, but the train was full and they were both very tired. They agreed to make the best of it for at least one night. There were two berths, and the man gallantly agreed to take the upper one.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you please reach into that closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she said. "Get your own fucking blanket."

Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply.

If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.

If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.

If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.

If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.

She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So--if you give her any crap, you can expect a ton of shit.

They were married, but since the argument they had a few days earlier, they hadn't been talking to each other. Instead they were giving each other written notes.

One evening he gave her a paper where it said: "Wake me up tomorrow morning at 6 am."

The next morning he woke up and saw that it was 9 o'clock.

Naturally he got very angry, but as he turned around he found a note on his pillow saying: "Wake up, it's 6 o'clock !!!"

The Teacher was asking the kids to explain different punctuation-marks.

When she got to dave (knowing better) she asked him, "What's the most important puntuation-mark?"

Surprisingly, she got what she figured was the correct answer: "A period, Teacher."

Smiling, for once having a decent answer from her most troublesome student, she made the mistake of asking, "And WHY do you think a period is the most important one?"

dave shrugged. "Beats me!" he replied. "But it must be awful important; because when Big Sis said she missed one, Mom had hysterics, Dad fainted, and the man next door shot himself."

man: God, how long is a million years?
God: to me, it's about a minute
man: God, how much is a million dollars?
God: to me, it's a penny
man: God, may i have a penny?
God: wait a minute!

your momma is so fat wen she weighted her self on the scales it showed 2 BE CONTINUED!!!

Husband's diary:

" now i always watch my wedding video in reverse & i love de end when she takes de ring off, goes out, jumps out of car & return back to her father's home"

Amazing:- 
If You Rearrange These Letters It Gives The Same Meaning... 

Dormitory = Dirty Room 

Astronomer = Moon Starer 

The Eyes = They See 

Election Results = Lies Lets Recount 

Mother-In-Law = Woman Hitler 

Eleven Plus Two = Twelve Plus One..

A coloured woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!"
The coloured woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.
She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off - go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

haha . good ones.....

Irony in life!!!

if a guy lookin 2a sexy girl he'll say 2 himself "wawww what an ass?!" but if she look back 2 him, she'll say in his face almost the same thing :"what an asssssss''

what does a UFO and woman willing to date me have in common?---theyre both rumored to exist but no confirmed sightings lol :))

Award Winning Advertisement
of a Bra Manufacturing Company :-

Their Slogan :- .
.
.
..

“We create the Mood for Banging what God left Hanging!! :p)))

Two dogs were talking. One dog stopped sniffed a fire hydrant, and then walk on. The other dog asked, "What was that all about?"..."I was checking my messages!"

i love this thread ... keep em coming !!  here is a lame one for u guys :

What do u call a Spanish guy with a rubber toe ?
A: Rubberrrto

Q. What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

A blowjob is the only job in the world that can't be included in your resume despite years of experience and a number of refrences!!

A lonely man put an ad in the paper saying "wife wanted" The next day, he checked he had 40 messages, all of them saying "You can have mine!"

son: dad,my teacher said that you have to go to the principal's office.

dad: what the fuck have you done?

son: nothing! maybe its you,coz its you they wanna see.

How do you call a mexican that had lost his car?
= Carlos

What did Adam say to Eve?
Stand back, I don’t know how big this thing gets!

A priest offered a Nun a lift.  She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.  The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.  The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.  The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'  Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. 

It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob , the next-door neighbor..

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'  

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob , after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and

leaves.  The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.  'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

A joke for the dopers. 

A little rabbit happily running through the forest stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a marijuana cigarette. The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come with me running through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much better!" The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.

haha, Psalm 129, thats sure some education! lol

The phone rings at Federal Drug Enforcement Agency headquarters.
"Hello?"
"Hello, is this the Federal Drug Enforcement Agency?"
"Yes. What can we do for you?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding cocaine in his firewood."
"Thank you, this will be noted."
Next day, the Drug Enforcement agents come over to Tom's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no cocaine, swear at Tom and leave.
The phone rings at Tom's house. "Hey, Tom! Did the Federal Drug Enforcement guys come by?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood for you?"
"Yeah, they did."
"Okay, now it's YOUR turn to call. I need my garden plowed."

WOMEN DICTIONARY:

- i'll be ready in a minute => kick off your shoes and take an ...hour nap.

- you have to learn how to communicate => just agree with me.

- im sorry => you'll be sorry.
- do you like this recipe => you better get used to it.

- i don't wanna talk about it => im still building up steam.
- do what you want => you'll pay for it later ..

Wife: I told you several times
to place some curtains on the windows.
There is a man in the neighbourhood
who tried to see me.

Husband: Let him see you,
he will place curtains himself.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender

GRANDFATHER TO GRANDSON:
Go hide,
your teacher is here because you bunked school today!!
GRANDKID:
YOU go hide… I told her YOU PASSED AWAY!!!:p

I just found out a mate of mine is both gay and dyslexic, he's still in Daniel

A dyslexic pimp just bought himself a wharehouse

I'm sick of these jokes about dyslexic people, it's not big and it's not fanny

hmmm, I agree! lol 

Two soldiers were having a chat during their free time. First Soldier: Why did you join the army? Second Soldier: I didn't have a wife and I loved war. So I joined. How about you? Why did you join the army? First Soldier: I had a wife and I loved peace. So I joined.

How do u differetiate between a cow and bull? 
Try milking both of them.... The one that smiles is the BULL!

3 Ways To Catch A Tiger

1- Newtons Method
Allow The Tiger To Catch U & Catch The Tiger

2- Einsteins Method
Chase The Tiger Until It Becomes Tired
Then Catch It

3- indian Police Method
Catch A Cat & Beat It
Until It Accepts Its A Tiger

Why did they stop printing Pamela Anderson stamps inthe U.S?

B'coz people started licking the wrong side....lolzzz

A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police.

The officer in charge looked at the photograph she handed him, questioned her, and then asked if she wished to give her husband any message if they found him.

"Yes," she replied readily. 'Tell him Mother didn't come after all."

LMOA..found this one hilarours.....

The following is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations, of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in Oct. 1995. Reprinted in the Memorial University campus newspaper.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision..

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the captain of a US Navy ship, I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER US MISSOURI. WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!

Canadians: THIS IS A LIGHTHOUSE. Your call.

There was a blonde a red head and a brunette.
All three were running from the police when they ran past three potatoe bags, 
they all go into one. When the police came by they said oh look potatoe bags and decided to kick each bag. When they kicked the red heads bag she went *BARK* like a dog and the police said "Oh, just a stupid dog.", when they kicked the brunette she went *MEOW* like a cat the police said " Dang cat!", but when they got to the blondes potatoe bag she went *POTATOES!* the police arrested her and took her to the jail.....

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up and sat down next to him. He had spiked hair in different colours: green, red, orange, blue, and yellow. The old man just stared at him. The young man turned to him and said sarcastically, "What's the matter old-timer, never done anything wild in your life?" Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."

Why do some blondes have bruises on their belly buttons?
There are blonde men out there too!

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, the pretty girl said,
"I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?" 
"Only one kiss per yard," replied the male clerk with a smirk.

"That's fine," said the girl. "I'll take ten yards." 

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out.

The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old geezer standing beside her, and smiled, "Grandpa will pay the bill."

A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over. 

The officer handed the man a citation, and then as he turned to walk back to his cruiser, the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair. There were plenty of other cars around me going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?" 

"Ever go fishing?" the policeman asked the man. 

"Um, yeah... so," the startled man replied. 
The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch ALL the fish?"

Two drunks were walking home along the railway tracks.The first drunk says, "There's a hell of a lot of steps here."The second drunk says, "I'll tell you what's worse, this hand rail is bloody low down"

‎2 blondes decide to give 3 bombs they had found to POLICE..blonde- what if one explodes on the way...otherb-we`ll lie to them that we found only two...

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology when he turned to his wife and said, 'Honey, I bet you can't tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time.'

She said, 'You have the biggest dick out of all your friends!'......

Worldwide SurveyA worldwide survey was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was:"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure...In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

Blonde Husbad's Leave Application :

Dear sir,My wife is ill. As there is no other HUSBAND in the family to look after her, kindly grant me leave for 1 day on SUNDAY!

CHild: What is Indian Politics ?
Father : I run the home so I am the government, Your Mom is opposition, Our Maid is working Class,
We all look after you ,so you are the people & your younger brother is future, This is Indian politics.

At night boy heard his Brother crying as his nappy was dirty.Boy went to mother,she was sleeping,
then he went to maid`s room ...where he saw his father having sex with the maid.

He went to sleep....
Next day boy to father: Now I understand Politics clearly,

Government is fucking Working class & Opposition is sleeping,
people are ignored
&
Future is in Deep shit :P

Naked Statue
Two old ladies are walking through a museum and got separated. When they ran into each other later the first old lady said to the second, "Oh my! Did you see that statue of the naked man back there?"
The second old lady replied, "Yes! I was absolutely shocked! How can they display such a thing! My gosh the penis on it was so large!"
Where upon the first old lady accidentally blurted out, "...Yeah, and cold, too!"

Sheikh's son goes to Germany to study. 
A month later, he sends a letter to his dad saying:

"Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here,but I'm a bit ashamed to arrive to school with my gold Mercedes when all my teachers travel by train."

Sometime later he gets a letter from his dad with a ten million dollar cheque saying:

"Stop embarrassing us, go and get yourself a train too"

There was 3 Kids... 
One kid asked his mum why his name was apple. His mum said, when you were young we dropped an apple on your head. His brother asked, Mum why is my name orange?. His Mum said when you were young we dropped an orange on your head. 
Their sister look at their mum and started speaking gibberish. Her mum said 'Shut Up Fridge!!'

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. 

She heard the train stop and her son said,

"All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." 

The mother went nuts and told her son,

"We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for two hours. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." 

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,

"All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added,

"For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." 

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

How To Use A Drive-Thru ATM

MALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to cash machine. 

2. Wind down your car window 

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw 

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt 

6. Wind up window 

7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE 

1. Drive up to cash machine 

2. Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine 

3. Re-start stalled engine

4. Wind down the window

5. Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate card 

6. Locate make-up bag and check make-up in rear view mirror

7. Attempt to insert card into machine 

8. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from car 

9. Insert card

10. Re-insert card the right way up

11. Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page 

12. Enter PIN

13. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN

14. Enter amount of cash required

15. Re-check make-up in rear view mirror 

16. Retrieve cash and receipt 

17. Empty handbag again to locate purse and put cash inside

18. Place receipt in back of cheque book 

19. Re-check make-up again

20. Drive forward two metres 

21. Reverse back to cash machine

22. Retrieve card 

23. Re-empty handbag, locate card holder and place card into the slot provided

24. Re-check make-up

25. Re-start stalled engine and move off

26. Drive for 3 - 4 miles

27. Release hand brake 

I found out how they stopped the oil leak in the gulf, Sources tell me that B.P. dropped a huge wedding ring over the well and it stopped putting out immediately.

A cat falls in a pool and a rooster laughs. Moral of the story, a wet pussy makes a cock happy. *-^

Don't you hate when you open a bag of chips and it's only 30% full?? That's how guys feel about a push up bra. *-^

A Lion would never cheat on his wife.. but a Tiger wood. :D

Whats long and hard and makes women groan?

An Ironing board

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us moaning about you leaving it down.

1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, then just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the offside rule, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. No NO you really do have too many shoes.

1. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

1. I'm in shape. ROUND is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I do know that I will have to sleep on the sofa tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that? It's like camping.

absolutley amazing and true......I wish they included the above in school text books, and only qualified people who could remember the above by heart.........life would be on a cruise ....LMAO

The teacher asks Timmy "why is your cat at school today?" Timmy says, crying, "Because I heard my daddy say to my mommy, 'I'm going to eat that pussy when the kids leave.' so I'm saving him!"

My mate was rushed into hospital this afternoon suffering from a severe case of premature ejaculation. I phoned the ward sister to get and update of his condition; she replied "It's touch and go at the moment"....

CONFIDENCE is when your wife or your girl friend finds you in bed with another woman and you have the courage to wink at her and say .....you're next :p))))

bride:" I don’t know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me ? "
hubby:"OK, we will call your private place 'the jail' and call mine ‘the prisoner’. what we do is, put the prisoner in the jail."
And then they fucked for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, “Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped.”
Turning on his side, he smiles. “Then we will have to re-imprison him.”
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, “Honey, the prisoner is out again!”
The man rises to the occasion, but with unsteady legs.
Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, “Honey, the prisoner escaped again.”
Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, “Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!

A man wakes up one morning with a bad hangover. “Honey, I know I really made a fool of myself last night at the party, I just can't remember what I did. ” “You got into a fight with your boss.” “Piss on him then!” “You did, and he fired you.” “I don't care! Screw him!” “I did.” His wife said. “You can go back to work next week.”

On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they’ll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, "What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob." All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says "Don’t forget the coffee!

Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish.

The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home.

The second guy wishes the same.

The third guy says "I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here.

One day this girl was talking to her friend and she said to her, "My 
boyfriend bought me flowers for Valentines day this year so I guess I have to 
put my legs in the air for him.", and her friend replied, "Why? Don't you have a 
vase?"

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to 
share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, 
"I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes 
up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle 
wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up 
frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a 
woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this 
plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron 
this!".

A dog thinks: My owners feed me, love me, provide me with a nice house, and take good care of me... They must be gods!

A cat thinks: My owners feed me, love me, provide me with a nice house and take good care of me...
I must be a god!

A man is walking his dog when the dog suddenly drops dead.

He rushes the dog to the vet and says, "Doc, you have to help

my dog. He has been with me for 15 years and is so special to

me!"

The vet examines the dog and tells the owner that his dog is

dead.

"I want a second opinion!"

So the vet goes in the back and brings out a labrador

retriever.

The labrador jumps up on the table and starts licking the

dog. There is no movement.

The vet says, "Your dog is dead."

"I want a third opinion!"

The vet goes in the back and brings out a cat. The cat

jumps up on the table and starts scratching and mauling the

dog. Still the dog doesn't move.

The man says, "Doc, I guess you are right. How much do I owe

you?"

"480 dollars."

"480 dollars! Just to tell me my dog is dead?!"

"No, that's only 80 dollars. The other 400 is for the lab

work and a cat scan!"

One spelling mistake can destroy your life!
A husband wrote a message to his wife on his business trip and forgot to
add 'e' at the end of a word...

"I am having such a wonderful time! I wish you were her..."

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

A husband and wife were trying to set up a new password to their computer.
A husband, "Put 'MYPENIS' " and the wife fell on the ground laughing cause on screen was error, "Error. Not long enough."

1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.

In the morning Little Johnny says to his father, "Daddy last night I had my first s*xual encounter."
His father looks at him proudly and says, "When are you planniing to do it again?"
"I don't know daddy ever since it happened my ass has been hurting like crazy."

He came into my room late at night. He sat over my body, He sucked, swallowed and he left. It was terrible. It was a BLOODY MOSQUITO!

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. 

Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging goes on into the night.

Husband and wife agreed that anytime they want to have sex,
they will call it a 'PHONE CALL'. One day, the husband send his son to tell his mother that he wants to make a phone call and mother replies; tell your father that there is no network.
Husband: tell your mother that if there is no network @ home, then I'll go to a public phone.
Wife: tell your father that if he dare goes to a public phone then I'll open a call centre @ home

Maths tells us 3 of the saddest love stories: 

Of parallel lines, who are never meant to meet...
Of tangent lines, who were together once then parted forever...
And of asymptotes, who could only get closer and closer, but could never be together...

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

Microsoft Bought Skype For
8.5 Billion Dollars . . .

.

..........
Stupids

.

.

.
They Could Have Download
It For Free ... =P

Win a BLACKBERRY, a CAR, or a HOUSE in DUBAI...Use a sharp object to scratch here
▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒​▒▒
▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒​▒▒
Please do this now!!!!

Broccoli: ''I'm not happy
with my looks, I look like a tree
''Walnut: ''I'm so unlucky, I look like
brain
''Mushroom: ''That's not too bad, I
look like an umbrella
.
.
''Banana: 'Can you guys please change
the topic?' :P

R.O.F.L.S.H.T.E.T.I.
G.U.I.F.D.A.T.H.M.H.O.A.T.A.
M.M.H.T.T.M.T.T.H.A.B.I.L.

roll​ing on
the floor laughing so hard that every
time i got up i fell down again then hit
my head on a table and my mom had
to take me to the hospital all because i
laughed

haha i found the forun first time it's funny

@ Lao Lee - You got me on that cock talking... lol

love letter
Guy in the letters to his girlfriend wrote: "love your love so much, that would like to give you go through hell. On Saturday as it does not rain, I'll come.

.Mary was so disgusted at her husband's cigarette smoking that she complained to him one day.
  'I hope that all the cigarette factories will catch fire someday.'
  'Don't worry, dear. All the cigarettes will be on fire sooner or later.' He said with a smile.

A young husband and wife were sunning on a nude beach when a wasp buzzed into the woman's xx. The husband covered her with a coat, pulled on his shorts, carried her to the car and made a dash to the hospital.

After examining her, the doctor explained that the wasp was too far in to be reached with forceps. He suggested the husband try to entice it out by putting honey on his xx, penetrating her and withdrawing as soon as he felt the wasp.

The man agreed to try, but because he was so nervous, he couldn't rise to the occasion. "if neither of you objects," the medic said, "I could give it a try."

Under the circumstances, both agreed. The doctor quickly undressed, slathered on some honey and mounted the woman. The husband watched with increasing alarm as the doctor's thrust continued for several long minutes. "Hey, What the hell is happening?"

"Change of plans," The physician panted. " I'm going to drown the little bastard!."

A dog thinks: this people feed me, clean me and give me a house. They must be gods. A cat thinks: this people feed me, clean me and give me a house. I must be a god!

A blond is watching the news and hears that 2 Brazilian men died in a skydiving accident. she cries and says, "Oh my gosh, how many is a Brazilian?

It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach. A human hair can hold 3 kg. The length of a penis is 3 x the length of the thumb. The femur is as hard as concrete. A woman's heart beats faster than a man's. Women blink 2 x as much as men. We use 300 muscles just to keep our balance when we stand. A woman has read this entire post. The man is still looking at his thumb.........lol

It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach. A human hair can hold 3 kg. The length of a penis is 3 x the length of the thumb. The femur is as hard as concrete. A woman's heart beats faster than a man's. Women blink 2 x as much as men. We use 300 muscles just to keep our balance when we stand. A woman has read this entire post. The man is still looking at his thumb.........lol

A blonde with two burnt ears goes to the doctor, who asks what has happened.

"The phone rang, and I accidentally picked up the iron."

"What about the other one?"

"They called back."

An Indian girl married a French man.& went 2 Paris. She didn't know French .If she want 2 buy leg piece of chicken. She did lift her skirt & show her leg. Dis went on 4 some days. Once she went 2 buy banana. She took her husband along wid her. U know y ? Bcoz. He knew french !!.God bless ur mind...

公交车上一年轻的妈妈给宝宝喂奶，宝宝吃得不老实，年轻的妈妈生气说孩子：“吃不吃？不吃我给旁边的叔叔吃了 ！”坐旁边的叔叔忍不住说：“小朋友，吃不吃给个准信啊，叔叔都坐过两站了

a pub landlord is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the door when he answers, a tramp asks him for a tooth-pick. he gives him the toothpick and the tramp goes off.

a few minutes later there is a second knock. when he answers there is a second tramp. who also wants a toothpick. he gets his toothpick and goes off.

there is a third knock at the door, and a third tramp is standing there, the landlord says "dont tell me, you want a toothpick too."

"no a straw" says the tramp

the landlord gives him a straw but is curious as to why he wants it, so he asks the tramp why he wants a straw and not a toothpick.

to which the tramp replies "some bloke just threw up outside but all the good stuff's gone already"

last week was my birthday and i didnt't feel very well waking up on that morning. i went downstairs for breakfast and hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "happy birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. as it turned out, she barely said good morning,let alone happy birthday.

i thought well thats marriage for you, but the kids..... they will remember.

my kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. so when i left for the office, i felt pretty low and somewhat dissapointed.

as i walked into my office, my secrtary jane said, "good morning boss, and by the way happy birthday!"

it felt a little better that atleast someone had remembered. i worked until 1 o'clock when jane knocked on my door and said "you know, its such a beautifull day outside and it is your birthday what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me".

i said, "thanks jane, that's the greatest thing i have heard all day. lets go"

we went to lunch. but we didnt go where we normally go, she chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table.

we had two martinis each and i enjoyed the meal greatly.

on the way back to the office, jane said, "you know, it's such a beautifull day... we dont need to go straight back to the office, do we?"

i responded, "guess not, what do you have in mind?"

she said "lets drop by my apartment, its just around the corner"

after arriving at her apartment, jane turned to me and said, "boss, if you dont mind, i am going to slip ino the bedroom for just a moment, i'll be right back."

"okay," i nervously replied, she went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes she came out carrying a huge birthday cake,

followed by my wife, my kids and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "happy birthday!"

and i just sat there.....

on the couch.....

sobbing.....

Naked.....

and erect.

lmao...good one!!!! 

Friendship between Women :

A Woman didn't come home one night.

The next day she told her husband she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends, none of them knew about it!

Friendship Between Men :

A Man didn't come home one night.

The next day he told his wife he had slept over at a friend's house.

The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.

8 of them confirmed that he had slept over....and the other 2 claimed he was still there....

I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny and the Tooth fairy etc.
Well now that I'm older I don't fall for that shit anymore, thank God.

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a
word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them
wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband
asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws 

Jim and Johnny die in a boating accident. Jim goes to heaven and Johnny goes to hell. One day Jim looks down at Johnny in hell. Johnny has a beer in his hand and a blonde on his lap. Jim gets pissed off, so he goes to God and says, "What is this? I think I want to go to hell. Just look at my friend down there."
God says, "Look closer. The beer has a hole in the bottom, and the blonde doesn't."

A Criminal Broke Into Bed Room ,Tied Up Husband & Wife ,
Kissed Wife‘s Ear & Went 2 Bathroom..
Husband: Satisfy Him Or He Will Kill Us ,Be Strong I LOVE YOU.
Wife: He Did‘t Kiss Me , He Whispered In My Ear That He‘s Gay ,Needs Vaseline I Told Him Its In The Bathroom . So Be Strong I Love U Too 

A Small Boy Took A Knife
And Wrote His Girlfriend’s Name 0n His Hand..
After A Minute He Started Crying Loudly..
Why ???
.
.
.
Paining ???
.
.
.
No !!
.
.
.
Then ???
.
.
.
Spelling Mistake !!! :O

boat started sinking in the sea

girl: How far is nearest solid earth from here?

Boy: 1 kilo meter.

girl jumped into the sea and asked again: "...In which direction?"

Boy: Downwards !

Teacher:- what shape is the earth?

Student:- i don't know.

Teacher:-well, wat kind of earings does ur girlfriend wear?
......student: square ones....
...
teacher:- No, i mean the ones she wears on sundays...
student:- round

teacher:- then,,,,,,, wat shape is the earth??
student:- square on weekdays and round on sundays...:):P

Girl:How do i delete voicemail from home phone? Boy:Press 7 
Girl:Grassy Ass 
Boy;What? 
Girl:Grassy Ass 
Boy:I don't get it 
Girl:Spanish for ''Thanks'',right? 
Boy:Ooh u mean gracias!

Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings"... lol

A man who goes into a bar optimistically often come out misty optically...

‎"A friend just got banned from my local church. Apparently it's 'disrespectful' to run through the church graveyard singing "staying alive"....

A Scary Story:

.
.

Husband kills his unfaithful wife while their 5 yr old son was still sleeping.

The weird thing was that d kid didn't ask for his mom even 3 days after she went missing.

Father: Is there something u want to ask me?

Kid: I just wonder y mom is always standing behind ur back ??

Airplane passengers watch nervously as two men wearing pilots’ uniforms and dark glasses use canes to feel their way into the cockpit. The plane starts barreling down the runway, and the passengers begin to get scared as the water at the end of the airstrip nears. With only a few yards left, everyone screams, but the plane lifts off just in time. The passengers think it was all a joke, while in the cockpit, the pilots high-five.

“You know,” says one pilot to the other, “one day they’re gonna scream too late, and we’re all gonna die.”

This was written on the grave stone of a famous prostitute, when she died "At last she slept alone" :P

is the blonde joke true?

I wont be surprised if it was...and its more symbolic in context than being stereotyped...reminds me when I was returning from US, a girl (not a blond) ahead of me in the queue, when approached by security to present her ID prior to getting a boarding pass, she said she had a FACEBOOK ID, and thats all she could show to prove it was her....and when security "politely" refused she started crying....and finally with some questioning and validating she was indeed genuinly (read Blond) was allowed to board the aircraft....

ahhahaha!!

A girl was yelling in the Church after the Chapel: "Oh God! Please make Moscow the Capital of China!"
The priest inquired: "Why must you pray so, my child?"
Girl: "That's what I've written in my answer sheet in the examination!"

Woman Buys A New Sim Card Puts It In Her Phone And Decides To Surprise Her Husband Who Is Seated On The Couch In The Living Room.

She Goes To The Kitchen, Calls Her Husband With The New Number: "Hello Darling"
The Husband Responds In A Low Tone: "Let Me Call U Back Later Honey, The Dumb Lady Is In The Kitchen.. :)

you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of secands later they come alight again? well,the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them.....

If you do belive in the end of the world on the 2012 do put my name in your will :)

-Maaam.... Could you please take your sit?

-Thanks, I feel quite comfortable just here....

- OK. Then do take steering-wheel and make our plane fly up!!!!

- My docter is an idiot! He prescriped me to take two tablets of asperin and a hot bath before I go to sleep.

-And what's wrong with it?

- I pulled out after first 5 liters!

-Honey, what do you think I should take for a voyage for everyone would be just amazed of my appearence?

-Take skis.

I'm selling a green chameleon... Oh, no, red one... no wait.. blue one. Cool thing!!!! I keep it!

An oil was found in Antarctica. The bloody regime of the penguins lives its' last days....

If you realy think woman is weak try to draw a blanket from her at night.

Even the most beautiful women in the world hasitate of her appearence, but every bold man, with a beer belly and rounded legs is just f...king attractive!!!!!

Who in the World don't want to turn days back to the time when, to feel happiness  overflows you, you needed..............

............just an ice-cream

"Even the most beautiful women in the world hasitate of her appearence, but every bold man, with a beer belly and rounded legs is just f...king attractive!!!!!"

F@ck yeah!)

He: Will you marry me?


She: Have you apartment?


He: No ...!


She: Do you have  a  BMW?


He: No. ..
Her: Your salary ?


He: I don't  have  salary ... but ...


She: No but! How can I marry you when you do not have anything I want?





He starts muttering: I have a villa in the mountains, and another to the  sea, and one in the Caribbean. In  that mansion where i live  i  have a  Porsche and Ferrari have Merceses. It's crazy, why to buy a BMW? And  why  do  i  need a  salary  .... If I am banker 

A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan.
He asks, "What was that for?"
She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with 'Betty Sue' written on it."
He says, "Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? 'Betty Sue' was the name of the horse I went there to bet on." She shrugs and walks away. Three days later he's reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan.
He asks, "What was that for?"
She answers, "Your horse    Betty  Sue  just   called  ."

lmao...!!! Nice one G! 

lmao...!!! Nice one G! 

lmao...!!! Nice one G! 

Glad  you  enjoyed  Rahul :)))

There are  basically  7  types  of  girls :

1) Hard  Disk  Girls : 

Remember  everything forever .

2)Ram Girls:

Forget  about  you the moment  you  turn  her off.

3) Screen  Girls :

Just  for  looking .

4) Internet  Girls :

Difficult  to  access .

5 )Server Girls :

Always  busy  when needed.

6 ) Multimedia Girls :

Makes horrible  things  looks  beautiful .

7 ) Virus Girls :

These  type  of  girls  are   normally called  "WIFE"

Once  enters  in  your  system  don't  leave  even  after format !

I'm........hard disk....or ram......I'm on internet now.....

A Comic Sans font walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry, we don't serve your type."

Hweh hweh hweh

A secretary calls to IT Administranor and says:

-The shelf for my coffee cup in my PC is broken!!!! Could you help me with it?

The ITA wonders what it might be, comes to her office and says:

-OK..... We'll put you an other CD-ROM......

James Bond comes into a bar, sees a beautiful chic brunette sitting alone.

He comes up, and says:

- Bond... James Bond.

The brunette glances at him and says:

- Off......

............ f.....ck off.......

A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly.

"I would do anything to pass this exam."She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes."I mean..."she whispers,"...I would do...anything."

He returns her gaze."Anything?"

"Anything."

His voice softens."Anything??"

"Absolutely anything."

His voice turns to a whisper."Would you...study?"

Whats business?

Dad: I want u 2 marry a girl of my choice. Son: No Dad: The girl is Bill Gate's daughter. ... Son: then Ok. Dad goes to Bill Gates. Dad: I want your daughter to marry my son. Bill Gates: No Dad: My son is the CEO of the World Bank. Bill Gates: Than ok Dad goes 2 the President of the World Bank. Dad:Appoint my son as the CEO of your bank. President:No Dad:He is the son-in-law of Bill Gates. President: Then OK.. :D :P

This is business!!!.... .....:p

After an accident, driver said angrily: "I showed you the Headlights to say that I will go First."

Blonde: "I also started the Wipers to say No, No, No, No....(^ -^)